Brian Burke and Garth Snow Call
This is the call for the number one pick in the 2009 NHL Entry Draft, aka John Tavares.
Ring…Ring…..Ring……..
Garth Snow- Hello?
Brian Burke- Yeah, Garth? This is Brian Burke….
GS- I have been expecting your call…
BB- It’s not what you think, I am not looking to take Rick Dipietro off your hands…
GS- Well that’s good Brian, we still like that deal, in fact, we envision DiPietro being a major contributor next season…
BB- Ahh huh, (Think’s to himself- yep, Garth must be high)
BB- Well Garth, the real reason I am calling is to discuss that number one pick you have
GS- We have what now?
BB- Yeah, well…ummm, Garth, back in April your team won the draft lottery, as such you have the rights to the number one pick in this years entry draft…
GS- Hey that’s great Brian (Think’s to himself- I wonder if I can sucker this guy into trading up again..hehehe…), so what’s up?
BB- Well, I have been looking over the draft, and from what I can tell JT would be a bad fit for your team…
GS- Really? How so?
BB- Well, JT is talented, he has the heart of a lion, he’s wicked good in the slot and from what we can tell he’s a natural born leader…From everything we can see this kind of player goes completely against everything you have been trying to do on the Island…
GS- I couldn’t agree with you more Brian, I have watched JT on television, he doesn’t look like much of a hockey player to me, he’s a hell of a singer though, and he’s down with that Jackson girl, she’s no good Brian, we don’t want problems here …..
BB- (Thinking to himself- what an idiot, he thinks I am talking about Justin Timberlake..) Umm, Great observation there Garth. Listen, I know you were disappointed with the deal you made at the draft with Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher last year, nobody feels worse for you than I do Garth, really. Hey…uhhh, what would you say if I tried to make it up to you???
GS- Man, I could really use some luck around here Bri, what did you have in mind?(Thinking to himself- maybe I can land Schenn this year???)
BB- Well, remember that Schenn kid we selected in the five slot in last years draft?
GS- Sure do, he’s got mad talent…
BB- Sure does, we love the kid…Well, Garth…I wanted to propose a trade with you that would all but guarantee you a chance to draft Schenn…
GS- Really Bri? I am listening…
BB- Ok, so here’s the thing, we would like to get our hands on that number one pick that you got there, in return we would be willing to send you our number one goaltending prospect Justin Pogge, we will also send you 2 second round draft picks in this years draft and our first round (Seventh overall) draft choice in this years draft and our first round draft pick in next years darft….
GS- How does that guarantee us Schenn?
BB- Have you looked at the Central Scouting listings?
GS- Sure have
BB- Ok, so you noticed who is in the seven slot then? It’s Brayden Schenn, he’s a helluva player Garth…
GS- So, what your say’in is, if I took your deal I could get a goalie who actually has some talent, I could take a flyer on a player or two in the second round, a get your first round pick in next years draft (Thinking to himself- The Leafs sucked this year, and they are gonna suck next year too, that’s twp great first rounders) and I could right the wrong I made in last years draft and land a Schenn, a real Schenn???? (Thinking to himself- I can’t believe this guy is going to let Schenn go, what an idiot!)
BB- Listen Garth, you are bang on! It’s killing me to give up on Pogge (Thinking to himself- that kid lets more through his legs than a porn star in a gang-bang scene) and as I stated before, we love that Schenn kid…..
GS- (Thinking to himself- I am going to be sick to my pants…I am going to land a Schenn!!!!!)…Well Bri, I like the deal, do you think you could throw something else into it though??? (Thinking to himself, man am I slick….)
BB- (Thinking to himself- I am going to be sick to my pants if I don’t land Tavares)…Yeah, I think I could send you another player in return, ever heard of Evgeni Malkin?
GS- Sure have…great player!
BB- He is a great player, and we have his old linemate on our team, his name is Nikolai Kulemin, and we’d be willing to throw him into the deal….(Thinking to himself, I wonder if he’s gonna fall for all that “Used to play with Malkin” crap like we did???)
GS- So, let’s be clear here, we get Evgeni Malkin’s Linemate too??? (Thinking to himself, what a moron, Sidney Crosby plays with Malkin most nights, not Kulemin…hahaha, I got this sucker just where I want him)
BB- You got it Garth, for you buddy, anything, who loves you baby???
GS- Ok, there’s just one more thing…(Thinking to himself- I am gonna make this sucker beg, just like in that movie)…Brian, I want you to say “Show me the money”
BB- What? Are you serious Garth?
GS- Say it! “Show me the money”
BB- (In a soft tone) “Show me the money”
GS- Nah nah, Brian… that just ain’t good enough! Now say it like you mean it…NOW!
BB- (in a loud, yet cautious voice) “Show me the money!”
GS- Better, but it still ain’t on point, now for the last time, say it like your life depended on it Bri, let me hear it- Come on, hit me Brian….
BB- (Enthusiastically) “SHOW ME THE MON-NEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
GS- Ok, ok, I think you’ve earned the pick, you’ve got yourself a deal. It’s been nice doing business with you…(Thinking to himself- what a dumb-ass!!!)
BB- Thanks Garth, you drive a hard bargain…(Thinking to himself- what a dumb-ass!!!) Great doing business with you too…Well, until next year, right?
GS- Later Brian, good luck with JT…maybe he can sing at your home opener?
BB- I am sure he will make Leaf fans sing for years to come…….
And with that the deal was consummated, Burke acquires the number one pick and John Tavares becomes a Toronto Maple Leaf, who’da thunk it???
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